"Nice" is a Double-Edged Sword

I've been thinking a lot lately about being nice--and how niceness affects my business. Is being "nice" good for your business, or does it hurt you? And are women entrepreneurs and businesspeople under more pressure to be nice than men?

A disclaimer here: I am not advocating being mean or treating people badly. I'm not even saying you can't get to know your clients better--or even have clients become friends. But in those relationships, business still has to come first, and things can get cloudy if either party doesn't understand this.

One of the reasons why I had such a hard time changing my mindset when I first started freelancing was that a lot of sound business practices jarred with my idea of who I was and how I was supposed to act. In those days, I knew myself as a friend, a sister, a daughter, a girlfriend. In all of those roles, niceness and kindness would get me ahead--and putting myself first, although necessary sometimes, was something I had to do diplomatically and usually brought at least a little guilt. I'd just graduated from college. I was just getting used to myself as an employee, and I didn't know myself at all as a business owner or service provider.

And a few things I knew I had to do in those roles didn't sit well with me. Take marketing and sales, for example. I felt weird telling people how great I was. In my past life as a student, I was used to doing a really good job and having recognition come to me in the form of good grades and awards. It never occurred to me that I would have to push people to give me what I wanted instead of working really hard to deserve it and hoping they noticed. But that's how people succeed in the business world.

When it comes to client relations, I've been thinking about niceness lately and its worth. I'm not convinced that being "nice" is such a great selling point. If I were hiring a writer, I wouldn't care how nice she was. I would care if she got results. And I'm not saying that we should all go around being rude to people, throwing rocks at squirrels and making babies cry. I never say anything to clients that's less than civil, even when I'm refusing a request or demanding a late payment. But I also don't back down on my business terms, don't give freebies, and don't cave under pressure.

These are qualities opposite of what you'd call nice. Nice people make personal exceptions all the time. Nice is unselfish. And although unselfishness is an admirable quality, you have to be careful when someone demands it of you. When people expect you to be nice or act surprised that you're not being nice, it's usually because they want and expect you to put their needs before yours. And in a business situation, sometimes that's not a great idea.

Sometimes I suspect that niceness and professionalism sometimes clash in values. Businesspeople have to guard against being taken advantage of, but friends should trust each other. This is why I never do business with friends. I do favors.

I've always been nice and friendly to clients. I like to have fun, let my personality show through, and get to know people. And often that solidifies the business relationship. But nice can be a double-edged sword, leading some to think you can be taken advantage of.

I'm sure if I say that women face the expectation to be "nice" rather than professional more than men do, I'll get a few protestations from guys. And I'm sure there are guys out there who have experienced the same thing. But it's a commonly held belief that women are more often expected to be nice, to grant favors, to smile. Friendliness in women is more often mistaken for an invitation to take advantage. And women are more often penalized as being "mean" if they're assertive.

What do you think? Have you faced expectations to be nice in the past? Has being nice helped or hurt your business? Are niceness expectations different for women? And what does "being nice" mean for your business?